Thursday, July 14, 2016

Dear Mommy to Miles

 Dear Mommy to Miles (age newborn),
 You just had your first boy....right now you are thinking if things are going to go in same road as it did with G. Rest assure he does go into the nursery and to be separated but only for eleven hours. You did amazing in your c-section. You even laughed during some it which in point made everyone laugh. Now, comes the fun part. You sitting there wondering how G is going to take her new role of sisterhood. Is she going to love her baby brother? Are they going to play together? Would she feel sad or worse lonely? 
  I am here to tell you that that beautiful bundle in the blue blankets is an amazing little boy. Momma, he is fun loving little boy. You made it to your goal of nursing tell he self weaned at 22 months. You loved every minute of it as you cuddled. You have hardships that you don't expect. But you make it, Momma. You still have an amazing little boy. 

Dear Mommy to Miles (age 6 months),
  Hey Momma it's me again. Right now you are trying to get Miles to eat that rice cereal that you yourself won't even try. Ginny is most likely running around the living room in pigtails trying to get him to watch her. He never does look at her or you for that chance. You notice how quiet he is compare to his sister but I see you brush it off because heck it's different having a boy after a girl. You don't think as you are rocking super fast in your rocking chair with him tight in your arms that something different. You tell people he is just having a sensory overload. Thinking it's normal for him to scream and fight to nurse. He still nurses though love those quiet moments of him in your arms. But you wish he would look up at you into your eyes. I feel your pain, I remember it well. Everyone says you see love in their eyes when they nurse and he never looks at him. Be strong and just love on him. 

Dear Mommy to Miles (age 1 year)
     Look how far you have come. A little more then a year ago you were wondering if you could be a mom of two plus go to school first time. It was a hard year, I remember it well. You were pushing through student teaching to make it work. You did it. Don't let you self doubt your self. I know it's hard to have the kids and living at your in-laws. I know. It's been an awesome couple of months though being able to stay home with them. To watch them grow and learn all because of you. Miles is now a year old and he has such a fun personality. Right now things are almost perfect. He finally starting to talk. I remember the day he completely surprised you by saying, "yellow" clear as day. This is year it's no so easy, enjoy this time you have with him right now. Things are going to change and you are barely going to make it to the next day. Know your little one loves you so much. He loves having you home to be with him. I can't think of a perfect time to be home with your little one then right now. 

Dear Mommy to Miles (18 months), 
    Momma, I see you sitting there crying in the corner of your room. I see your pain so evident on your face. I wish I could give you a big hug. This time you need to be strong for your family even when others out there are blaming you for your son behavior. Right now, it's so hard working full time with kids who can't verbally tell you what is wrong. Then come home to the same thing. You look at G and you say, "What did I do differently with Miles." Don't beat yourself up. You start making a doctor's appointment and he mentions autism. Which you knew he was going to say but now you know. Even though you have to wait two long years for help, I see your pain. You try hard to keep him from screaming through out the night for the fear of waking others. Momma, I see your pain as you rock him to sleep just hoping he would stay asleep for one night so you can rest your tired aching body. I watched you take the pregnancy test and cry because you don't know how you can have another when you have lost control of everything. Oh...but that baby you are carrying inside of you is so sweet and amazing little boy. He's the brother that your son needs to learn. I see you struggle being at work and I see you just want to delay returning home. Momma, I have been there. I was in your shoes. Take a deep breath because you got this. YOU GOT THIS! 

Dear Mommy to Miles (2 years), 
    It's such a huge relief when help arrives the sweetest way. Patti is amazing with Miles and she just fits into the household. Now, you are getting huge and it hurts when Miles kicks and punches you. He doesn't know that he is hurting you. You put on a brave face in front of the kids, your mom, and your husband. When inside you are dreading the fact you are having another boy. Another boy that you will fail. The wait seems to drag on to get Miles tested but you know it's coming. He has the signs. He finally, not screaming much...thank goodness. Your ears still ring from those months and months of the screaming. Enjoy having Patti in the house and listen to every word that comes out. She loves Miles like he is one of her own kids. She has his best interest. I see you worried about, "What if Miles hurts the baby?" "What if he hurts the baby enough to kill him?" Guess what I can rest your thoughts because M is a year old and no serious injury has come to him. Actually Miles loves his brother a ton. M can get away with things no one else cans that is how their relationship is. Remember take a deep breath. YOU GOT THIS! 

Dear Mommy to Miles (2 1/2 years),
    You watch how Miles is with his siblings and you wonder if they would ever play like normal kids. G tries so hard to get her brother to play with her and you cry for her when you are alone. You are still waiting for that call to say that he is going to be evaluated. It's coming it's coming. The school district came out and met Miles and you didn't like what they had to say. I can see the fire in your eyes knowing that they don't see the things you see. They say he has no OT needs and yet here he is running on his tip toes, needing a weight in his backpack. What do you see that they don't. It makes you nervous on how he is going to be treated in preschool. He is an amazing kid and you just want the best of him. I know...and answers are coming soon. Keep listening to Patti she is there to help as much as she can. 

Dear Mommy to Miles (3 years old)
        Right now you just got over HFM disease. It was a hard choice to cancel both kids parties but there is always next year. You keep saying we will have it in two weeks. It doesn't come and IT'S OKAY. June 9th is coming and Miles will get evaluated. Your answers are there and yet I need you to brace yourself for the impact. Sure you have known he was autistic since 18 months but the answers are going to cause your heart to break. To know for sure makes things ten times worse in your mind. Don't ask why but you cry and cry for days after. I wish I could give you a big hug and say it's okay. You still struggle a month later but it's not that bad. Miles preschool teacher is driving you nuts at this point. Because of her vague answers to know how he is at school. May is not a good month either. Miles ends up biting again and struggles with the routines being messed up over and over again. June is a better month. You will love Miles summer school teacher. She sends you pictures and tells you ever behavior he has. You find out that she does sensory breaks and he's so happy in the afternoon. Things are getting better. Keep your head up...I am here...

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