To My Friends

This is an extremely hard post to write because of my feelings right now. I have to remember that even my friends don't understand what it is like to live 24/7 with an autistic child.  They don't hear my thoughts that I have and all the many challenges that we face living with someone who has autism let alone a three year old who has autism. So this is my letter to them about why I choose to not take my son to the ER after he broke his toe instead waiting the next day.

Dear Friends (I hope you are still my friends),
     Like I said this is hard to put in words how I am feeling and my thoughts of what happened Sunday night into Monday. But I prayed about it and felt that I needed to type my thoughts. I know you have my son in your thoughts and his well being. I really do appreciate it. I need to back all the way up to Saturday night. Miles was up all night long crying and having a really hard time sleeping. We then went to church Sunday and knew he just wasn't having a good day.

He didn't want to go to class and his nursery teacher pretty much sat with him in the hall all of Sunday. We then went home and relaxed before we had to leave again to head to my in-laws. At my in-laws there is a total of six kids under five years old. Then we have nine adults in the house. Miles was running like mad attacking his Uncles and playing with toys.

We had dinner where Miles couldn't sit still he had to keep moving as he was shoving his lunch-able in his mouth at lighting speed. I knew that Miles was having sensory issues because he couldn't sit still he had to stay moving. I had a feeling we were going to have a huge big blowup before bed.

After dinner I was sitting on the floor while us adults were talking and finishing dinner.  Miles started to run around and he came over and and jump over my leg like he sometimes does even at home. A few minutes later he came back and jump over my legs but didn't quite make it. He fell to the ground and was screaming. I pulled him into my lap and comfort him and looked him over and saw nothing that was concerning. He then stood up and started to cry again so I knew he hurt his foot more then I thought and had him sit with me. He wanted to go with his cousins, Aunts, Uncles, siblings, Grandparents on a walk. Anytime he stood up he started to cry and he didn't want to stay.

So I picked him up and carried him to a stroller and pushed him to the park. At the park he got out of the stroller and ran around the park. He went down the slides and swung on the swing with no problem. He showed no distress in having any pain. I put him back in the stroller and we headed back to my in-laws house.

When we arrived I carried Miles inside the house where Miles decided he rather be at the park. He took off towards the front door to leave. I pulled him into the house and he started to have a massive meltdown. He started to punch, kick me with both feet, wrap his arms around my neck from behind me to choke me, he started to pull my hair. All the while my husband tried to get the others into pjs and in the car. Miles screamed and was hurting me while he was on his feet or using his feet to kick me.

We finally got into the car and went home. Once home I carried Miles into the house and set him down where he complained his foot hurt but wasn't limping. Then if we were watching him he started to limp. We gave him some pain medicine and went through the process to get him to bed after he calmed down out of his meltdown.

Stephen and myself discussed if we needed to take him to ER to get his foot checked. We both agreed that taking him that night would be more sensory overload on Miles then need be. His foot would be fine until morning when we could take him to the walk-in. He was going to be fine on pain meds and get the sleep he so desperately needed. If we took him to the ER he would be struggling all through the x-rays where we would have to restrain him. Who knows how long it would take in the ER to get him through it all. He was doing okay walking on it for the most part but we would carry him if it seemed to be bothering him.

He tossed and turn during the night but he got some great sleep. Monday morning, we awoke and he started to limp and cry that his foot hurt. So, we agreed after his dentist appointment we would take him to walk-in. I carried Miles in my arms through the dentist appointment and he was doing great. He was his normal happy self and was playing and watching tv. Even had some icecream at the dentist. I then took him to walk-in and found out there was an hour wait which wasn't a big deal. When we got into the back room Miles did awesome and let the doctor feel and look at his foot. He also listened to the direction of the x-ray tech and held still for each x-ray they took. I didn't have to hold him or restrain him he did it all on his own.

Miles is only been on pain meds for bed at night but other then that you can barely tell his foot is broken. He is jumping, running, spinning self and play fighting. He wears a walking boot to help him walk normal so it can heal normal. The doctors told me it didn't matter when I brought him in to get it looked at.

You see, Friends. You only heard a little bit of what was going on. I made sure he wasn't harming it and was not in pain. We carried him everywhere until he was looked at. Stephen and I do have the best interest of Miles in us. When Miles is having a sensory overload any touch sets him off and since he was having one it was best to wait as lots of people would be touching him that he didn't know. When Miles is having a sensory overload a single touch is like an electric shock to his system. It literally hurts him no matter how gentle it is.

I really hope it doesn't ruin our friendship because it's such a small little argument. I do like having your friendship and I hope you enjoy having mine.

Kendra 

This Week

I can usually tell when Miles is coming down with something or if storms are going to be popping up around our house. Miles has meltdowns a ton and he is hyper and craves sensory more then usual. It's been going on all week. By the end of the day, I just want to crash. It's been hard because we have had storms so I didn't think anything of it. Actually, right now it's literally raining all day long. Miles slept horrible last night just kept crying in his sleep and when he was awake. This morning he woke up so I took over and he just cried. He barely touched his breakfast either this morning which are his favorite Muffins. So I figured today was going to be a bad day. I already planned to have pizza tonight so I didn't have to make anything. Miles would often just start crying and complaining his foot or stomach hurt. He then crawled into my lap and took a cat nap. During that time I felt his head and took his temperature and it was 99. So I knew he wasn't feeling well. He woke up and laid on the couch then started to sob. He sat up to cuddle with me again and then he threw up.

Everything made sense to me of what we went through with him this week. The meltdowns and the sensory seeking. He was getting sick.

The Day from Hell

The day started off wonderful. Miles woke up on his own and ate breakfast. He was pretty calm so I thought, "Today is going to be a GREAT day." But, I never know what is going to happen the few hours he will be at school. Or what is going to set him off because it's different every single time. I took Miles outside to get ready for the bus and he still a happy camper. We do our usual where he takes a toy all the way to the bus. When the bus arrived it was no his normal bus driver. But he didn't pay any mind to the change which made me relax. Especially since the bus attendant was the same person as it's been since June 1st.

Off he went to school for a few hours. During that time I spend a lot with G and M. G does her homeschooling work in reading, writing, and math. I play with M on the floor and G and I get a conversation going back and forth. I also mentally prepare for anything when Miles comes home. What I didn't realize was how bad it was going to get that afternoon.

Miles got off the bus at 11:45am, and I could tell something was off but didn't think anything of it (first mistake), I grabbed his backpack before we made it to the door as I usually do. I opened his bag to take out his communication notebook and read that he had a rough day. He didn't want to do anything that was asked of him. Also they pushed him to play with other kids in the class (Part of IEP). I thought, "Well, he's in a great mood." We went inside and he went off to see his siblings. I made lunch and he gobbled it down like normal. PB sandwich and chips with applesauce. It's his go to meal.

That is when hell broke loose. He wanted control of his sister and brother. He pushed his sister off the couch and I went over and said there room for both of you. Then sat in between the two of them. Sometimes that is enough this time it was not. He got up slowly and went over to a toy and threw it at his sister head. I blocked it and marched him into his room.

He started punching and kicking me and I kept blocking as much I could. I even held his hands to keep him to stop punching me. At that time his brother wondered in to be near me. Miles looked at him but didn't do anything other then scratch my arm. I held his arms again, not letting him to get me. He was screaming and kicking me at this point and it was raring its ugly head. I let go of his hands to move his brother out of the room and in that time frame...Miles reached and tried to scratch my eyes but made it to my cheeks and nose (which reminds me clip fingernails). I held his hands and told him that we do not scratch. I then let go and stood up to leave and he chucked a toy at my head. I started to walk away again when he charged at me to punch me. I carefully picked him up and put him back in his bed. Then grabbed his stretch blanket and had him pull. He usually relaxes with it this time...nope. He scratched me again in the face while pulling me closer. Finally, I called for reinforcement. As this time his sister and brother wanted to be near me so not only was I dealing with Miles but telling his sister to leave the room. Because I started to have to protect her from the situation at hand. I called my mom on the phone and she came home early from work. She took over for me while I took care of the other kids. Finally, he fell asleep.

She took my daughter who needed one on one attention to the store with her while I stayed home to work on dinner and be with the boys. Within two min after she left Miles was screaming in his room. I thought I should just leave him be and ignore him, maybe he will stop. (wrong again). He came out nice and calm and climb on my lap.  I thought oh he wants to cuddle. (wrong again). He started to pound on my face with his fist. He had my arm trapped and I was nursing his baby brother on my other room. He at one point grabbed a remote and smacked me six times with the remote on my head. At this point I was crying. My mom walked in grabbed him and I finished making dinner. My husband then arrived at 5:30pm. He took over for my mom while we both finished. Finally, Miles stopped. He went from a 10 to a 0 in second flat.

All three of us adults were exhausted. I didn't want to do a single thing after that. I had bruises forming, found pieces of skin were torn off my face. I just kept thinking, "What am I going to do to get him to stop this violence."

This is the Last Week

Miles had a great couple of days. We have been able to get outside and enjoy the nice weather. He's been a pretty happy kid with minor meltdowns or no meltdowns at all. Which makes me very grateful. We also have been seeing major improvements in him. I like to think that I have done something to increase these improvements. But, we all know the truth he just figured them out. Like one of his major improvements is to give us warning when he's getting upset. Such has he strains his body tight from feet to hands in fist form and growls at you. We usually try to fix what ever is bothering him before he starts flipping out. It's been working pretty well, but it's not a 100%. Then when he doesn't want to do something he sighs really loud and rolls his eyes. My husband was getting upset over it and here I was silently cheering because he was forcing his mood not acting out his mood by screaming or hitting.  I mean with our daughter we would be upset because it's rude but for him it's not rude...at all we rather he does that.

So also this past week, we put up a swing set. Miles was so happy and it gives him a new release for his energy. So it's been nice to be able to go out back and let him run and play. I am hoping to get more outside things for the kids so we can spend a lot of time outside. With him. But then we found new consequences...his mood takes a massive turn in the evening. The question remains..is it from being tired or is it from allergies. Part of me doesn't think it's the being worn out because when Miles is tired he is actually...in a better mood. I swear the less sleep this kid gets the less behaviors we have at home. Since we stopped forcing naps things have gotten a lot better. He's a weird kid. So, next is to figure out what kind of allergies he has...because no way do I want to give this kid benedryll every single day. Miles on it is crazy....he screams and runs around the house until it wears off.

So it looks like another appointment will be added to our list to get for Miles. I swear his appointment list is getting really long and keeping us busy.

Another epiphany moment is after we ate pizza for dinner. All night he was up coughing like crazy and drinking like mad. We eat pizza once a week at most and every time he is coughing all night long. So, another thing to get looked at for him is Acid Reflex. This kid is an awesome kid and we love him..we just need to take it one day at time.

Yesterday, it felt like everything changed for the worse with him. All of our progress went out the window. It was storming and we were getting nasty storms later that night. The closer the storms were getting the worse Miles got. At one point he was kicking me over and over again in my lower back, he wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled hard, he punched me millions of time in the back of my head. I just sat there, because I knew if I reacted or blocked him he would go after his sister or worse his baby brother. So, I sat there taking it and crying. It hurts that I can't do anything to help him. I knew the storms were bothering him and tried to distract him with movies. He was in that mood and it was hard to get him out of it. By the time my mom and Stephen arrived. I was done...I just wanted to stay away from him and be alone.

Today, is heading that way as well. It's hard on these days to get anything done because he wants to take it out on people. I just don't know...

42 Days! 

A week from Hell

This week for some reason is worse then everything we have been through. Not sure if it's because of illness or getting used to his new schedule of going back to school after spring break. So...this week has been extremely rough on me, Miles, and his siblings. We have had a lot of major meltdowns and things that he has never done before do.

On Sunday, we had a hard time getting out the door to go to church. We knew it was only going to be sacrament because Miles couldn't go to nursery with his cold. So, here I was getting the kids ready. Miles flipped out because he did not want to wear his nice shirt for Easter and church. He screamed and cried in the hallway during sacrament. We finally just said screw it we were going home after thirty minutes of being there.

On Monday, Miles had an okay day. We had normal meltdowns after school and it was a pretty good day.

Tuesday: We had more meltdowns then normal but nothing to bad.

Wednesday: Is when all hell broke loose. Miles had meltdown after meltdown. Wanted to fight and destroy everything in the house. At one point I took out a fold up rocking chair and finally got him rocking in it and calming down or so I thought. I was busy nursing the baby when all of sudden Miles picked up my water bottle. Nothing new, he is addicted to drinking water. I had just filled it up too so it was cold. When he threw it at me and the baby. Nothing happened before hand to cause this that I can think of. Anyways, so I had a choice protect the baby or protect my face. I of course protected the baby from the water bottle. The water bottle then slammed into my mouth which caused me to bite through my lip. I was in shock and was able to safely put the baby down somewhere. I then put Miles into his room and held his door shut. I was at this point sobbing myself while Miles screamed and slammed his body against the door. I then felt my lip and realized blood was poring out the wound. So I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up to find my lip.

Even now my lip is swollen and it hurts to eat. I couldn't wait till my husband came home and was able to be there. 

Thursday: I was fighting battles all day with him. It felt like, and when my mom arrived home. It was even worse. He was throwing chairs at everyone and trying to throw his kids table. Finally, my mom had to restrain him with her legs and he fell asleep at six pm. Do I regret him going to sleep early...nope as his Dad wouldn't be there to back me up until after bedtime. 

Today: So far he decided to punch his baby brother, punch his sister, punch me all with toys. Also thrown many toys at me because his sister was sitting somewhere where he just decided to sit. 

This week has been the worse in a long time. I am actually sitting here crying because right now I dread for his Grandma bringing him and his sister home. I feel terrible feeling that way but I need a break. I don't always get a break when others come home and it's hard. I am always on the go and always watching like a hawk to see what is going to happen next. Though, yesterday good news. I was able to finish the paperwork for Children's so it's off towards there. Closer to getting some much needed help. 

Right now any help to figure out his triggers and how to help is is rewarded. 

Kendra 

Extended Family Time

On Thursday morning, Miles was able to go to Paternal Grandma's house early in the morning. I got him all dressed in his green shirt. Well, at Grandma's there was his five cousins as well to play with and celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Well, he had a great morning playing. The only rough part of that was he didn't want to wear pants, shoes, or even diaper to come home in.

Friday night was the rehearsal dinner for my brother-in-law and his bride. Miles was having already a bad day and I was dreaded what was going to happen. All the way to the church he was screaming and trying to get out of his car seat. I carried him into the church and took him away from everyone to calm down. Trying to keep myself calm and not stressed out over the situations. Finally he was calm and we found the rest of the group. Well, Miles was chasing his sister all over and at times i had to step in to calm him down. Finally, we brought food because no way was Miles was going to eat what was provided for dinner. Miles ate his piece of pizza and played with his cousin. Then he just randomly hit his cousin with a toy. This happened not once but three times. Then he had a huge meltdown in front of my family but also my soon sister-in-laws family as well. It was hard to not cry because here I was dealing with this. I was already nervous about this whole thing and how he was acting. My husband took him out to another room to calm him down. That night, with tears in my eyes I apologized for the way he was acting. I felt like my son (who I shouldn't have brought at all) ruined the night with his behaviors. I then messaged my sister-in-law and apologized for the way Miles kept hitting her son. It made me so uneasy about the wedding.

Saturday morning, we tried to stay in our routine as much as possible. Hoping that it would help Miles adjust to the wedding better. We went to Sam's like we normal and he flipped out going to the car. We then headed to the Temple to see him get married. My mom tagged along to take care of the kids during the ceremony. After the ceremony in the cold wind we stood to take pictures. Miles did great during the pictures and I thought hey this might work great. That evening we headed to the reception and guess what Miles had a fabulous time running around and playing with kids. We stayed past his bedtime and he was awesome.

Sunday, we headed to church and things were going good. Miles kept pointing at someone's dress and would not stop saying, "Mickey Mouse." Which they were not Mickey Mouse it was lobsters. He just kept pointing. So I mentioned for his Dad to take him for a walk with his weighed backpack. Well, I later had to leave to nurse the baby and heard Miles screaming on top of his lungs. Meltdown. Finally, I was able to trade with Dad and got Miles calmed down and took him to his nursery class where he flipped out. So I had him move chairs around in the hallway and got him in Nursery. Found out that they had a little rough time but nothing the adults couldn't handle as they have a child of their own who is autistic. Was able to talk to another autism parent about Miles and his thoughts. (I am always seeking for more).

We then headed home to rush and change clothes. Miles had a meltdown so we decided to leave him in his clothes. We then headed to my in-laws and Miles played and threw toys many times at me and his brother. Everyone except a small amount of us stayed at the house and I stayed behind to be with Miles because no way I was going to let him tour a house. We had a great evening and came home.

Yesterday, we went back to my in-laws to spend some more time. Miles was in a great mood and I swear something switched inside him. Anytime he got near his cousin his cousin would freak out. I felt really bad for Miles who wanted to play. It was hard not to cry knowing that this was how Miles life is...when he actually wants to play kids are scared of him.

Question: How do you explain it to two year olds?

After Vacation...comes...meltdowns

So, I was thrilled when I got home to find...a new packet from Children's Mercy. In case you haven't guessed we are in the middle of getting him evaluated. We are pretty sure he has autism in some sorts but we don't know what and we need help. So, now I am working on this mountain of paperwork before the end of Spring Break. I am hoping his teacher who has some paperwork to fill out will be able to get back to me soon after Spring Break. The sooner I get it in the sooner he will get in.

So, Tuesday, Dad had to go back to work and Miles...decided that he was going to let loose his own struggles. The struggles, we can't see and don't understand. At eleven o'clock he went into a huge meltdown. He was throwing his heavy cars at my head, punching, screaming, pulling chunks of my hair out, kicking me. I had to restrain him to just get him to relax. Finally, my mom took over so I could breath. This lasted for 2 1/2 hours it was a huge struggle and I cried. I cried not because of what he was doing to me. But, because I didn't know how to help him let go of his own struggles.

Then his therapist came and helped him for an hour. Once she was gone around three o'clock he was in another meltdown. Just as bad as the first one. At this time my sister was here and I could see her watching and learning. My mom took over for a bit and then my sister offered to help. After 2 hours he fell asleep from exhaustion.

When his dad arrived he had another meltdown. This one lasted an hour and it hurt to know that we couldn't help him.

I know part of it is the schedule change. He is used to going to school in the morning but since it's Spring Break no school. It also means that next week we will be struggling to get him back on school schedule. Everything changes and it's hard for him to not be on his schedule.

This weekend we have a wedding rehearsal dinner tomorrow and then it's my brother-in-law's wedding. It seems like we are getting very busy as of lately.

Question: What techniques do you use for meltdowns?

Vacation Day 3

So our vacation was coming to a close. Miles woke up later then usual so we all had to rush to breakfast. He ate his muffin and was having a great morning. We packed up the hotel and checked out. Our last stop was Winter Quarters Temple. We try to make it a family tradition on family vacations to take a picture at a temple as a family. So, we made it to the temple and walked around it and took some family pictures.

Winter's Quarter Temple Omaha, Nebraska

Our family: Left to Right
Me (Kendra), Miles (2 1/2 years old), Ginny (4 1/2 years old), Stephen, and Mason (9 months) 

Dad and his boys

Mom and her boys 

My mom (Kid's Grammy) and her loves
She lives with us and helps us a ton 

Then on our way back to Kansas we were going. It was a long road back and even longer because Mason (the baby) was done being in his car seat and extremely tired. So he screamed most of the way back which got Miles who was done being his car seat in a frenzy. So an hour or so away from home we had to stop for lunch and try to cool everyone nerves. At this point, Miles wanted no one to touch him or talk to him. I went to business to help calm him down. We made our paces on some landscape rocks and slowly Miles calmed down or so I thought till he ran right into the drive thru. I finally was able to get him inside McDonald's. Where he pushed around the restraunt one of the highchairs with his brother in it. He finally calmed down enough to eat his lunch and was able to go back in his car seat. 

We were finally home and relaxed...It was a great trip...and all of us can't wait to have another vacation come summer. When we will hit Saint Louis area. 

Question: What is your favorite vacation spot? 

Vacation Day 2

. Make sure you read about your Vacation Day 1.

Day two, Miles slept pretty good the night before in the hotel. He got up a couple of times and Dad was able to get him back to sleep pretty quickly. Day 2 our plans was to spend the day at the Zoo. We went down to breakfast first at the hotel (we always make sure our hotel has breakfast).

Miles, was in a mood and Big Sister wanted to share his tablet with him while they ate. So she kept getting into his bubble. Some days his bubble is bigger then others and just wouldn't leave him alone. Miles, did good and ate something small for breakfast. We knew that we would have to bring lots of snacks for him on our trip.

We left for the zoo and got there soon after it opened. Miles had a blast looking at the animals until we were near a playground. This kid loves to slide and climb and this playground had all of it. Bad news...we let him go on the playground (Parents mistake...won't happen again). He played and had fun at one point was getting aggressive with another kid. I believe he punched the kid with a toy. So, we literally carried him to another exhibit of animals far away...He was screaming and anytime Dad or myself let him down he would run off towards the playground.

He could stay there watching fish for hours if we let him. He was so relaxed.

Finally, once we went inside the gorilla house he was calmed down and busy watching the gorillas. I have heard that Omaha Zoo has a lot of Gorilla and they can be quite loud at times on the glass. So, to prepare for the zoo we watched lots of youtube videos of that zoo. Miles was so excited to watch the Gorillas. He would run up to the glass and try to find them. Of course none of them were really doing anything. Except one and that was after we left it...it started to bang on the glass. We then headed to the other monkey house. 

We walked in and saw these cute little monkeys. They were jumping and swinging around and the kids loved watching them. Well, one of the smaller ones saw Miles and my daughter standing next to the class so it came to watch them. Then it would swing away and play and then jump at the glass. The kids loved watching him. 

The kids kept giving him a high five. 

Then when we walked out it was starting to rain. Miles quickly started to act up so we knew our trip was coming to a close. We were at the large cats and Miles started to have a meltdown. After that we ran to the last dome the desert dome. At this point everyone was coming into the buildings. So it was packed and Miles had enough of people. He clung to me and tried to hide under his hood the best he could. It was hard to keep him out of the sand and the water. We made it out without anything huge happening. Whew...

On our way back to the hotel we grabbed snack stuff for the hotel to tide us over to dinner. We knew Miles would be best to relax and not let anything or anyone near him. By the time we got to the hotel he was asleep. He woke up and relaxed in a bed snuggled tightly with me with his tablet to relax and let go of the world. 

That night we went to Culver's for dinner and he loved his meal. We just started to get him to eat corndogs and he gobbled it and his applesauce up and ate his ice cream. When we got to the hotel we relaxed and enjoyed our evening. Miles fell fast asleep in the bed after the routine. 

Scary Part

So, like I have said in my story. It's been a long road with Miles and we have been with Infant Toddler Services since last year. But, just like everything it must come to the end. The end is so close now and it's scary. We are in midst of a transition from ITS to the local school district since December. I had the meeting with the school district and they met Miles. Of course, Miles was on his best behavior for the meeting. So, they didn't see his true colors and they told us they will evaluate him in a preschool setting for two weeks. They also told me all that will be evaluating Miles, nothing about OT. Which for those who know my son, he has some huge sensory needs. Which they thought he didn't have. (Insert Head Shaking). I even gave them examples of Miles and his sensory needs. Nothing, well I was going to force the issues then by having the OT from ITS evaluate him before the transition was complete.

Anyways, Miles started preschool through the school district first week of February. I was walking him and his siblings to the school to drop him off. He did great the first week and second week. They told me he was doing wonderful. Yet, as soon as we rounded the corner from the school from pick up. Miles would start punching his sister and screaming. I was dreading the fact that he was perfect for them and yet wasn't for me. One of my worries was they were going to deny him into their program. I was also worrying that maybe people were correct that I was the WORST MOM in the World. But, they never told me the end date and it was starting to be a challenge to even get him dressed in the morning. He hated going to school and lots of times I had to call my mom to come take him. At one point he worked himself out of his carseat and punched the back of her head while she was driving.

So now, Miles takes the bus to and from school. Most morning it's a struggle to get him on the bus. I am pretty sure his anxiety of leaving the house is the cause of it. We are getting there and finding new ways to do things with him. I just prep him a lot starting the day before that tomorrow is school and the bus will come pick you up. Then I walk him to the bus with his tablet. Some days it works some days it does not.

Lately, Miles has become very violent. Sometimes there is a reasoning behind it such as Sister is playing with his toys and then there are no reasons at all. Such as yesterday he decided to throw two water bottles at his little brother's head. Or Friday, when he didn't want to tell me he didn't want to hang out with Grandma so he smashed his tablet on my head which cracked his screen.

Then there are times that he has awesome day playing nicely with his sister and then he has a complete meltdown later. Usually, there are no time or reasoning to his struggles.

Yesterday, I saw his meltdown coming all day. I tried to help calm him down by giving him lots of body squeezes. It's where I just hold him pretty tightly in a hug. But, it didn't help his struggle what was to come that evening. That evening after dinner, after therapy, Miles blew up. What did he blow up...clothes. He rather run around the house with just his diaper on. He didn't want to wear clothes or to be touched at all. I held him for a bit and he was just blowing up. He punched and kicked. I tried my usual redirect that work some times. Nothing worked. His father held him whole he kicked and scream. He begged for me and I was sitting right next to him holding his hand. Talking in a soft voice. Finally, we took him into his room in the dark and I sat on the floor.

I was punched in the head, kicked in the ribs over and over while he let himself go into a long meltdown. I sat there with a blank face knowing that any reaction would cause it to be worse. I just wanted to cry. Finally, my mom took over for awhile to try her ways to calm him down. I had to go into my room to gather my own emotions. I have sob in the bathroom more times then can count just feeling for my son.

It's those times, I wish I could help him battle his emotions and help him out of his sensory overload. Finally, two hours later he calmed down and wanted to be loved on. He says, "You don't love me." We just remind him that we love him over and over again. That's the hardest thing for me is when he says I don't love him. Because I love him to the moon and back.

-Forever Surviving-

Kendra